A Drive Down Kuebler Boulevard

I see flowers and a cross on the side of the road.
Why isn't there a flower and a cross my mom's hospital room?
Why aren't there flowers streaming
down the halls,
down the walls,
for the people the doctors couldn't save,
who they wouldn't save?

A Love Song to Stumptown at 1 AM

Who would've thought,
that your best words were said when you were half-asleep.
I heard your bridges sigh
as my car's exhaust passed along the edges
Your streets laid bare,
no people to clothe them
Your sky-scraped office lights embraced me,
and kept me warm.
Your streetlights whispered through the glass,
and I could feel your breath through the vents
We spoke different languages,
but I think you said
"I miss you already."
I crept back home,
lost,
and raptured.

The Story to End All Stories

We started up Humbug Crick early that day, our rigs and crummies growling before we were halfway up Butte Road. It was an old logging road; Ben never been on it before, and neither had Johnny. That didn't stop us, as we climbed out with our saws and our axes hanging from our shoulders. Our crew piled out behind, ripping and roaring to drown out the sounds of the woods. Johnny heard a hum, or maybe a buzz that seemed to come from the sun itself.

We worked all morning, only breaking for lunch by the rig. Pulling out our coffee, we heard the drone crescendo until it got in the way of our conversation. Chuck stood up first, and left his lunch behind. No flies went after it. Walking a little up a ways, Chuck stopped in front of a large rock.

"Hey guys! It's louder over 'ere!"

Eventually the rest of us made our way over there. Ben was the first to climb the rock to find whatever made that crazy noise. When he saw it he nearly fell off the back of the rock.

"What is it?" Johnny asked, scratching his arm.

Chuck stood up a little straighter and climbed down the other side. "I'm gonna find out."

The rest of us waited until we heard a loud squeal and the sound of human bones being sawed in half. We didn't wait to find out what did ended Chuck Reister. Ben thinks its a bear. Johnny thinks a cougar. Dan thought it was an alien, but no one listens to him anyway.

A Green Flash

No one in my family has ever met Dad's father. Jade only has one picture of him, weathered, worn, and in black and white. It's a picture of when she first met him, in Burbank, California. They both worked at an aircraft factory in WWII. She was a Rosie the Riveter of sorts, and he was an aircraft engineer. Some sort of chronic illness, Grandma Jade would say, the government wouldn't dare put him in combat. He flew into her life like a storm at sea, and left just as quick. But he knew her long enough to father my dad.

Jade took his last name, as a sort of token, and took to wearing a ring he gave her on her left hand. She would never say if he married her, and we never found any wedding photos. Grandma didn't seem to mind, as she never sought out anyone else.

Grandma Jade never strayed too far from the coast. Sure, we could coax her away, closer to family, for a few years, but within a decade she'd be back by the ocean. She could get by in any coastal town, but she preferred ports, no matter what size. Jade even moved from Santa Monica, saying it was too expensive, but she just moved up the coast  town by town, until she found Coos Bay. Less crowded, she said.

She'd spend nearly day at the beach, or on the docks. We knew not to check her house when we came to visit. Instead we combed the coastline until we found her.Every so often we'd see her gaze at the waves longingly, as if she was looking for someone. Our visits usually ended up being sandy picnics, crabbing, fishing, but Jade never took us shopping at the tourist traps. "I'd never find anything worth paying for." She would say when asked.

Over the years the family visited less and less, until Grandma got sick in the spring. At first, we took turns, dropping by each weekend to check up on her, or if we could, we'd take days off work and school. Then summer hit, and Grandma Jade still hadn't healed. Even then she refused to go to the hospital. So I packed a suitcase and moved to her place for however long it took.

We spent nearly all our time at the beach, only going home at night. No matter how late it was, we could always find our way home. Long after everyone had turned off their lights and went to bed, her house always had one light on. I knew she had a window facing the water in her bedroom. The candle that sat on her window sill never went out. Fishermen would always joke that they could see the light from the ocean.

Then she got too sick to go outside. I did everything I could, from opening the windows to let the draft in, to bringing her seashells I found every morning at the shore. Grandma Jade would smile at me tiredly, then toy with the seashell as if she wanted something else.

It took three days of her favorite meal (salmon on mash potatoes) to get the truth out of her.

"I don't think I'm going to make it, hon' " Jade glanced up at me, as young as ever.

I helped her bring another bite to her lips."Oh, don't say that Grandma. You'll be fine. You're a toughie."

"I'm sorry hon.'" She chewed it thoughtfully, then glanced up at me, her eyes sparkling like streams in the sunlight. "You want to know a secret?"

"Sure." Wondering what on earth Grandma Jade had left to tell.

"Set that fork down and open that drawer next to you. Yeah, that one. The picture should be underneath all those scarves."

I pulled it and held up for both our eyes. It was the picture of Grandpa Jones, the only picture she had.

"Did you know Grandpa knew more than just planes?"

I set her plate aside. She never never had an appetite when she had a story to tell.

"He also liked ships. Big ones. Historic ones."

"You mean, sailing?"

Jade smiled, seeming younger already. "Yeah. He loved to go and rescue men lost at sea." She sighed wistfully.

"Like the coast guard?"

She frowned slightly, as if I was missing something important. "Sort of, except none of them ever wanted to come back. So they would join his crew."

"Wait, he was a captain?"

Jade smiled again, proud. "One of the best. No one could ever catch him."

"But he left you years ago, right? Soon after the war?"

She spoke softer, squeezing my hand weakly. "He came back once every ten years."

My eyes widened farther than the portholes in her kitchen. "Wait...Grandpa Jones is--"

Jade whispered fiercely, grinning. "Davy Jones." She thumbed my hand. "Just between us though, alright?"

I nodded. "So...you're going to meet him."

"Oh, I suppose I'll go and join his crew." She uttered softly.

"And you're not coming back." I swallowed.

"Just promise you'll bury me at sea."

"Of course, Grandma, of course."

Things You Don't Say to an Officer

He had an apologetic tone to his voice as he leaned toward the driver's side window.

(I didn't afford him the dignity of the view in my eyes.

I hid them behind my sunglasses:

my only weapons stashed in that car.)

"I believe you officer when

you say tailgating is the number one cause

of accidents in this area,

but trains and driving too

slowly are the number one causes of being

late to class."

The green in the grass laughed.

Crap, Chicken Little was Right

The sky is falling!

Or actually, the sky fell.

Yesterday it fell through my ceiling,

Landing square on my slug bug.

Ice from an airplane experts said.

I say the sky's playing games with me,

And he never said no tag-backs.

The Three Unwise Men

"I think we should've turned right three palm trees ago." The sand rustled along the hooves, and two of the riders tightened the cloths covering their mouths.

"Three, huh."

"Yeah, three. That one by that mountain."

"You call that a mountain? That was more like a foothill!"

"Um...I think my cammel needs to pee."

The others glanced at him, their turbans billowing in the dessert wind. Still, they didn't stop just yet.

One sighed, the narrow band of gold circling his turban glinting in the moonlight. "I suppose he didn't need to when we were at that oasis not to long ago."

"Not at all." The second answered, scrutinizing his robes of fine scarlet while his skin tried to match their hue.

"Hm, well, we could always try the next one." The third added optimistically, trying to juggle his star chart and his looking glass.

"I'm sure there won't be one for another few days. You should've checked your camel while you had the chance."

"I did! I swear, no signs at all of any... potential leakage."

"You sure we couldn't just take a break? I'm feeling a little tired myself."

"We can't. That camel will be doing its business until the moon wanes at this rate. We're already late."

"Oh come on. That child has waited for over a year now, it's not like he's still waiting in some manger for our gifts."

"I don't know..this myrrh might spoil, or that frankincense. It's not like gold, you know."

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Inspired by Clement Clarke Moore's classic poem, also titled “A Visit from St. Nicholas"

Twas the Night Before Christmas

When all through the flat,

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even the cat.

The stockings were hung by the heater with care,

Lighting the filthy fireplace we wouldn't dare.

The parents were snuggled and warm in their beds

While visions of school-buses drove in their heads.

My mother in her pjs and dad in his shirt

Had just dozed off, to sleep off dessert.

When out on the street there rose such a racket,

I sprang from my desk and threw on my jacket.

Away to the window I zipped like the Flash,

Looking outside, expecting a car crash.

I saw street lights reflected on fresh-fallen rain,

Damp moss, slick roads, and rusted road drains.

And what, to my wandering eyes should appear,

But a hovering motor home and eight hybrid reindeer.

With a weighty old driver, yet so lively and slick,

I knew in a moment he thought himself Saint Nick.

More wild than bikers on their cycles he came,

And his sleeves held more tricks than a cheating card game!

"Oh darn it, oh darn it. I think it's broken."

He swore. "the shop'll be closed in the mornin'."

He glanced at the house, at the door, and the top of the wall,

and spotted the tools for an overhaul.

As burglars check for cameras before they break in,

"Santa" checked the perimeter with a flick of his chin.

So up to the front door quietly he sneaked,

Except for when the floorboards creaked.

And then in the rustling I heard at the door,

The scratching and grinding of jams and bores.

As I grabbed Dad's gun, and was turning around,

Through the front door Santa came in a bound.

He was dressed in dark red,  from his head to his boot,

And his clothes were all trashed with grease and soot.

A bag of plunder he slung on his back,

And he looked just like a beggar, just opening his sack.

His eyes, they darkened, his wrinkles were sinister.

His cheeks were like canyons, his nose like a mountain.

His thin lips were creased like paper,

And the beard of his chin was ashen like slush.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

Smoke poked my throat like thorns in a wreath.

He had a small face and a bouncing round belly,

That shook when he laughed, and he made the room smelly.

He was chubby and fat, a right creepy old fart,

And I hacked when I saw him, and it gave him a start.

A wink of his eyes, and a twist of his head,

Soon told me to know I had everything to dread.

He said not a word, and set to his work,

and ate the milk and cookies, the old jerk!

Stepping too close to the sensors beside his nose,

He set the alarms blaring, in mid-bite he froze!

He sprang out the door, wrapped tool box in hand,

and tried the engine to get out of this land.

But I heard the sirens, and smirked as he stood in plain sight,

and watched them arrest him on that cold winter night.

What I Would Do

If my best friend died,

I would run to the other end of town

and back, until the soles of my shoes

became my feet and my shirt melted into my skin.

I would burn every calorie of every piece of

chocolate I ever ate while discussing

PMS with him.

 

I would go to Gov Cup and order a chai tea

and try every flavor in single shots in different cups.

I would flirt with the barista as if to

cheat on our relationship that never happened because

we would end up killing each other.

 

I would write a poem where every line was an inside joke,

and all the words would be five syllables long

and only be found in the OED.

I would shout utterly vulgar phrases from the bus stop,

(but only in Greek, Spanish, and Russian.)

 

I would stay up late with his other best friend and say

absolutely nothing.

Because my ashen clothing,

my decreasing chocolate supply,

my counter-top full of espresso shots,

my affair with the barista,

my tirade at the bus stop,

even my inside joke of a poem

would fail him.

"Forecast Calls for Overcast Skies and a Shower of Business Men"

The windows thought they knew what rain sounded like,

They did not know it sounded like men falling from the sky,

Quiet men in trench coats, ties, and bowler hats,

Standing straight up like pins,

So they'd fall that much harder,

Staring off into space as if falling from the sky

Was a perfectly normal way to go to work.

Parking Garage Precautions

Owners never light them well enough

Patrons tend to favor bigger cars,

With darker windows.

That could hide terrorists,

Kidnapers,

Monsters,

Dragons,

Even street rappers.

A health teacher told me once,

To carry my keys barred when I walk out the door,

As if that would stop a dragon.

But maybe it would stop a street rapper.

A Walk Through East Jerusalem

The tour bus rolled to a stop but didn't open its doors quite yet. Shadows rustled behind shaded windows, eagerly anticipating the stop. Meanwhile the engines whined and hissed, before finally settling into silence. A hawk cried through the sky as it glided on drafts of air. On the streets below vendors displayed their wares for all potential customers to see. Finally the doors opened, and the rustling increased.

First out came the tour guide, a short woman with curly hair, sunned skin and a crooked nose. After her streamed a single file line of men and women glancing about with their eyes and their camera lenses. The line collapsed into a swarm of eager eyes and chittering mouths. They half-listened with their ears while they half-watched the world around them through the lenses of their cameras.

I on the other hand, ate my fallafal and pita bread as I tried to shut out the noise. With my feet planted on the sidewalk, my eyes took in the two streets, the alley way on across the street, and the door two booths away. Even when on vacation I couldn't help but identify all the possible exits. Glancing at my makeshift meal, I tried to block out what had become instinct.

One bite of the crunchy treat and I wondered if someone had poisoned it.Sighing, I tossed my meal in the trash and pulled out my camera. I snapped a few pictures before I realized I had been searching for evidence. Evidence of what? A stray cat sitting by the bus? The man with the hair gelled so heavily I could snap needles off of it? The girl with a bomb strapped to her chest? ....

So much for a vacation.

Basically, when you encounter a suicide bomber, you have one of three options. You can run, you can scream, or you can try to stop the bomber, all of which will makes the girl to pull the trigger. You could shoot her hand off, but there's no guarantee that one shot will take out both hands at the same time, and it only takes one hand to trigger the bomb.

If you have rifle loaded with disruptor shells, you can hit the trigger with a casing filled with water and avoid igniting the explosives. Though, if you're on vacation overseas, airport security usually removes this option , and you'll be lucky to even make it to your destination. Liquid nitrogen could be used to freeze the wires, and disable the triggering system, but good luck finding that in a street market. You could put pressure on her coratid artery, but you might have trouble getting close enough to her neck.

In some cases the bomber will choose to use a wireless trigger because they allow more subtlety before the blast. This counts in your favor because a wireless signal is a lot easier to disrupt than a wired one. You could call a bomb squad, but that takes too much time. Thankfully, when vacationing in a tourist trap, satellite dishes with strong broadcast signals aren't too hard to come by. All a spy has to do is call the nearest TV news station, and wait for the reporters to take the bait.

Within a couple minutes they'll come roaring through in her van, eager to broadcast the news first. They'll park their van, bust out the cameras, and turn on their satelite router. The actual difficult part is getting the trigger from the bomber's hand before the news crews leave. I prefer the subtle approach. Simply sneak up on her using the reporters as body shields, and grab the trigger.

Of course, if the mob of reporters knock you into her, things get a bit more complicated. You'll have to move quickly to knock the trigger away from her hands as you tumble to the ground. And once the press vultures get close enough, they'll likely send the trigger skittering into a mob of tourists, allowing you to disable the bomb.

And once you can get away from the reporters, and the wannabe bomber, you can enjoy a fresh serving of fallafal, and hope it isn't poisioned.

The Day I Arrived at the Thirteenth Floor Part II

For a moment I couldn't see anything; the light had left so many purple and green spots in my eyes. I glanced back toward the elevator, trying to ride my head of the dull ache. Who knew that elevators could leave me with a hangover? A few moments passed and the dull ache waned, and I shakily stood up. How could I ever guess an elevator would irk my fear of heights?

I guess I found it most odd that the elevator doors never closed, even after all that time, until after I stepped out of the elevator. Thirteen steps out of the elevator, and the doors snapped shut, and the elevator, shaft, ropes, and all dropped through the floor. Curious, I turned around and walked back the way I came, and peered into the hole. Heat blasted my face so intensely that I couldn't open my eyes. Glancing upwards, and I saw clouds and heard birds singing.

Rubbing my eyes, I explored the thirteenth floor. So far, besides the creepy elevator, everything seemed pretty normal. The elevator opened  onto a hall wall, with office doors, windows, and brass name plates lining it on each side. I turned to my right and read the nameplates as I went by. They started out pretty normal as well. A doctor, a lawyer, a shrink had the offices closest to the elevator. The further I walked though, the stranger the occupations of the owners of these offices became. Frame thrower inspector, balloon blower, professional lip-syncher, the name plates read. Finally, I reached a door with a profession I couldn't ignore: straight-jacket tester.

I leaned my ear against the door and listened. Inside I could hear singing, off-key, but clearly someone at least tried to sing beyond that door. Knocking on the door, I listened more. The singing stopped.

"Wash your elbows before you enter, please." The voice requested.

As I blinked in confusion, a slot opened up next to the doorknob. Like a drive-up window at a bank a canister popped out of the slot. Inside the canister I found a washcloth and some hand sanitizer. Shrugging, I squeezed a dab of the anti-bacterial gel onto the cloth and rubbed my elbows. A camera over head buzzed curiously as it watched my progress.

"Thank you!" The voice chimed.

And then the door opened.

The Day I arrived at the 13th Floor Part I

I've never been superstitious. Sure, I always think twice before walking under a ladder, but it's not because I believe in bad luck. It's part of the reason why I've never understood the lack of a thirteenth floor in a building. Even when they change the floor numbers, there's still a thirteenth floor, it's just misnamed. I hate rising past the thirteenth floor for this very reason.

So one day I stood in an elevator of a building that reportedly lacked the unlucky floor. My eyes stared at the buttons in boredom, wishing I had laser vision so I could make the buttons melt. At least that would be entertaining. 9....10.....11...12....13....I blinked. That 13 button hadn't been there a second earlier. The elevator continued to rise.

Frantically I pressed the 13 button, but of course the elevator had already passed it. Finally, the door opened to the floor I originally chose, but now I had changed my mind. I immediately pushed the door close button, to the dismay of the person wanting to enter the elevator car. I pushed the 13 button, and the car dropped. I had to hold onto the wall, and sit on the floor for fear of being thrown.

With a final lurch the car stopped, and the elevator chimed in snide victory. Shakily trying to stand up, I watched the doors open with a burst of light.

An Odyssey In Drabbles Part II

(This drabble continues a story about a disgruntled customer seeking to retrieve his computer from repair, which can be found here: http://fortyfifthparadox.com/?p=151

 

I sat in the airport trapped for hours, until cunning businessmen began to take advantage of the storm. Right and left, preying about the swarms of airline passengers like wolves in a chicken coop, men and women proffered their signs, offering rides to the nearest blizzard-free airport.  Likewise the stranded passengers rushed the drivers like gnats to a lamp on a summer night. My eyes settled on the nearest driver, and I moved as quickly as I could to a man taller than most cloaked in a long coat and long brimmed hat.

It didn't strike me at first that I couldn't see his eyes. I followed him out the doors to a newly cleared path to the parking garage, and we held eachothers arms that held our suitcases as the wind threatened to blow us over. Past shivering, past shaking, we stood numb as he unlocked his van and opened the doors for us. We shuffled inside and sat down, handing him our money and our blind trust that he would lead us to part of the way home.

None of us spoke much on the ride to the other airport. We sat, rubbing our hands together, too impatient to wait for the heaters in the van to thaw out our frozen meat. The driver, who introduced himself Poly Femus,  gave each of us a sandwich, soda, and chips to eat, and played upbeat songs on his stereo. Finally blissfully warm, we settled our seats, barely able to keep our eyes open. One by one we each succumbed to sleep, and as my eyes closed I glanced at a rear view mirror and saw a single eye underneath the driver's hat.

I awoke alone in the van, save for the driver. Taking a deep breath of awakening air, I wretched at the coppery smell of blood. A brief glance about the van revealed the streaked seats and a lonely hand leaning precariously out the van door. Clearing his throat, the driver removed his hat, and my eyes confirmed what they had seen before...a rather human-looking cyclops. He asked for my name, and I told him I was no one. Poly Femus seemed rather sastified with that answer, as he licked his lips.

Something about him screeched more thirsty than hungry, I offered to share a soda with him as he digested my fellow passengers. We sat across from eachother, only a console and some seats seperating Poly Femus from his third course. I turned up the heat, offering him a candy bar and some crackers. The cyclops glanced at me suspiciously, munching on the offered junk food, listening to the radio. After some idle chatter I offered him more food, especially more sugar. Within minutes I had closed the van doors, letting it heat up the interior like an oven.

Finally, Poly Femus's eyes began to drift closed, and I bolted from the van.

An Odyssey In Drabbles Part I

(This story follows a certain letter from an unhappy customer, which can be found here: http://fortyfifthparadox.com/?p=149

 

The journey began easily enough. It didn't end so easily. I drove from my home to the airport, parked my car, and headed to the terminal. As I sat in my chair, my cushy-yet-still-uncomfortable chair, I saw the worst happen. Just outside the windows the world had gone white. Not that it had ceased to exist or anything, but that a blizzard had fell upon the airport. My head jerked towards the flight status sign, seeing city after green city turn red. Time slowed as the the light changed on my destination, and the word seemed stuck at an angle, halfway between delayed and canceled. I swallowed deeply.

Canceled.

Without thinking, I ran back out of the airport to my car. More white barred my way to the parking garage, along with freshly unrolled caution tape. My pulse quickened its pace faster than a plane down a clean runway. I punched numbers on my cell phone, only to find the signal dead. And all I wanted to do was pick up my computer. It sounded a bit more sane at the time, but I wondered if the manufacturer had caused the storm....

How to Get a Parking Spot

A lot of proper preparation

Is done approximately half

A day before.

Stand up

Before your sleepy eyes drift...back to your oasis

Of pillows and sheets;

Stand up,

Run through your future twenty-four hours

And recall step

By step what you need

And once everything is packed, in a

Conspicuous place, then you may...drift

Back to your...room, back to your....bed.

This is the least important,

But important none the less:

Head to bed with an olive branch wrapped about your head,

Tomorrow you can fight the swarm.

And once the drums of your radio

Summon you to war,

Leap from your bed, dash

To the shower, clean your weapons:

Your hands, your feet, your MIND!

Get dressed, after all,

The parking lot won't accept

You naked.

Haul your goods to the car, after

A quick breakfast.

Drive the speed limit,

Drive assertively, as if your

Chariot's second wheel

Threatened to fall

Off.

Arrive at your favorite lot

Earnestly seeking that  prized space like

A pilgrim seeks the sacred gate.

Park gracefully, between two white walls

That will guard your chariot but

Park efficiently;

After all, you didn't come all this way

Just for a parking space.